I can't believe that I have been a mom for a year.  This has been the fastest, slowest, most fun, sleep deprived year of my life. I LOVE IT!

I have started this post several times now, not really knowing what to say. The week surrounding Halleigh's birth was filled with so many emotions; it is hard to describe how it feels to be a year removed from it. I was totally not ready for Halleigh, and yet she came at just the right time.  I didn't want an epidural or a c-section, but we have a healthy, beautiful little girl and I thank God everyday for that. I definitely didn't want to have heart failure, but somehow God was in that too. 

I will always remember sitting there and having the doctor tell me that I was probably not going to be able to have anymore kids, due to the peripartum cardiomyopathy.  I felt like the world was crashing in around me. "Don't worry about that now, you just had a baby and you have plenty to deal with," they said. "WHAT?!?!?! You have no idea, being a mom is my calling in life! I can't have anymore?" I wanted to scream at them. No one seemed to understand that yes, I may have this newborn baby now, but what about in two years when I am ready for another one and I CAN'T HAVE ONE! Is it going to be okay then? NO! 

I remember my mom and Miles' mom had taken Halleigh home to stay with them at our house that night, and my mom was so optimistic, calm, and seemingly relaxed. I think she just knew that everything would be okay. I thank you for that mom. You were my rock, a calming force in a VERY rocky time.  I feel like there should have been more celebration of me on Halleigh's birthday... I am the one after all that gave birth to her.  And it makes me wish/ want to celebrate my mom more on my birthday!

My dad too, I remember Miles calling him to tell him that we were back in the hospital and why we were there and telling him that I was mostly upset because they had just told me that more kids was improbable. I half-way expected him to act like the doctors and tell me that I needed to focus on Halleigh and worry about that later, but he didn't. He didn't tell me that everything was going to be okay, because as far as I was concerned, it wasn't going to be okay. Or maybe it would be okay, but not great, or even good. He just let me cry and grieve and be scared and genuinely sad. Dad, you will never know how much I needed that from you. 

And Miles, where do I start! Miles was AWESOME! He took everything in stride. When the doctors gave me the news about the heart failure and the no more kids deal, and I started BAWLING, he said to the doctor, "It's okay, she's tough, she has just been through a lot today." I am so glad that he never freaked out, even when I passed out during the epidural. ha ha ha

I love what I have learned about Miles in the last year. He is a really great dad.  He loves Halleigh with amazing strength, and I hope that one day she will feel about him the way I feel about my dad.

He read an article a while ago that talked about how the closeness of the dad-daughter relationship has a direct correlation to how many diapers he changed in infancy... we laughed at it more than anything, but I now call for "daddy-daughter bonding time" quite often. Miles is great, especially with poop.

Oh yeah, and we can have more kids. My heart has made a miraculous recovery (although, I know it isn't a miracle, it was God) and as long as I am under the supervision of a high-risk OBGYN and my cardiologist, they say I have the go ahead on more kids now that Halleigh is a year old and the "episode" was a year ago.

Halleigh Jane is the light of my life. I can't imagine being without her.  I would go through it all again to have things just the way they are now. She is a smart, beautiful, fun, easy-going child that amazes us everyday with her development!  This has been a fun year.  I tell her often that she will never know how much I love her, but I hope that the day will come when she holds her first in her arms, and she will know how much I love her.