This semester in Thursday Morning Women's Bible Study we are doing a topical study on forgiveness.  They announced the topic around Thanksgiving, and at first I thought, oh brother, how boring. I am not going to get anything out of this... I mean really, who do I want to need to forgive? (want to need to forgive... get it?!?) We got our workbooks last week, and the teachers gave an introduction and I left so thankful that I didn't opt out of this semester's bible study, like I had thought about doing.  I felt like I had a glimpse of freedom.

I carry it around on my back.  I don't really know what it, is. Anger, resentment, fear, loathing, this hurt that I feel, it's not fair!  I dress it up and try to hide it from others, "I'm too smart, funny, beautiful, talented, blessed to feel this way" I try to tell the world, but it's still there, simmering just beneath the surface. Occasionally (read, more often than it should) it rears its head and takes over my life. Miles, usually bearing the brunt of it.  He knew my issues going in, and he won’t leave, so I can scream and rage, and he just has to deal with it, right? WRONG! One of my favorite pieces of advice that my dad has ever told me is that the marriage relationship is like a piece of glass, not stone... it can break.  Seeing how he knows... it's good advice to keep in mind.  As, I seem to have all of the bad personality traits of both my parents. No, Miles and I are not in trouble. We are great, Miles is great, and we are learning how to be what each other needs, even now, four years into the marriage. I thought we would have it down by now. We have come along way, and we are getting the hang of dealing with stress, baggage, and forgiveness.  And no, he is not one of the ones that I need to forgive, and in all actuality, no one who reads our blogs are any of the people that I need to forgive. Ironic really, that the people that I allow to inhibit my happiness and emotional health are not even people invested in me enough to enjoy my blog.

I have been hurt by people who should have NEVER treated me the way that they did, and they are who I need to forgive and LET GO of.  Not literally let go of, because some will be in my life until the end of theirs, but maybe let go of the control over my life that I allow them to have.  I carry them around and let them continue hurting me, too scared to forget; too angry to forgive. This study advertises forgiveness, but not forgetfulness, which I need.  Forgiveness without the offenders’ participation, which I need. Forgiveness as a path, that is not instantaneous, but a journey, which I need.  I have high hopes for this study and I am going to pour myself into it, because what are my alternatives? Staying bitter and angry? I don't think so... that isn't the kind of mother and wife that I want to be.

Forgiveness... why is it so hard?